If diabetes had a throat I really would punch it!
I don’t know how many posts I’ve attempted lately. I probably won’t post this one either. I’ll draft them, think I’ll go over them and post them later, and I don’t. I go back, hate what I write and delete. Why do I hate what I write? Why am I not posting?
My mind is a jumbled mess lately, none of it is necessarily good, happy or positive. I feel bad, even hubby asked the other day, stating I seemed to have a lot on my mind. I know, that sometimes writing helps, but not lately. Not for me. I think it’s partly because I see a lot of complaining on social media and I want to scream. I want to scream about the stupid things that people wine about, things like this that I would have a response like this to: “Really? A hang nail?! I’m so sorry that something so dumb snowballed and created such an awful day for you. Really?” Don’t people know that there are truly miserable, awful things in life that other people deal with and that life is wonderful and beautiful if you just look for it, yet………………
But then I want to vent here, I feel like I have a valid reason, but then I don’t post because quite frankly, I really don’t think that anyone wants to read about it and I hate feeling like I’m jumping in on the complaining band wagon. No one really wants to know what daily life is like as a diabetic. (Not that I really want anyone to truly know, but at the same time misery love company as the saying goes right?) No one really wants to know how much work it is, how much it hurts mentally, physically, emotionally and financially. No one really wants to know what an A** hole diabetes was yesterday. No one really wants to hear about how no matter what I did my BG hung out in the mid to high 200s all day long. That I pretty much avoided the snacks at work for snack day and I stuck to my lunch I brought that I knew had exactly 32 carbs and I bolused for them and yet I still stayed in the 200s in the afternoon. No one wants to know that finally by the time I got home from work I was 129 right before eating the dinner that I really didn’t want because I felt like crap from blood sugar high hangover, but I tried to think positively because hey, I was finally at a better level. But then a couple of hours later I was back up around 270. I knew because of the random and very short times throughout the day that I was down in the lower 100’s that my insulin was fine, as was my sight, tubing and pump. Why did this happen yesterday? Because diabetes is a total B**ch. If diabetes had a throat, yesterday I would have punched it in the throat.
I feel like I’m in my own little world, and it’s really lonely. I hate feeling like "D" is all-consuming but it really is.I know that I’m in diabetes burn out. I love how it was put in this posting from Alanna at Life On T1, “Yes, we can do anything with this disease, but we can ONLY do anything if we are ALWAYS thinking about we feel.” No wonder I’m on burn out. I gotta deal with this forever?! Between diabetes and everything else that is all wonkey with my body it’s amazing that I’m still even semi sane.
I’m thankful for my pump and the fact that we can afford it. I’m thankful that, at least I think I am, that we made the decision for me to get a Dexcom CGM, I'll have it early next week. God love my husband, but he said something the other day about how I want the Dexcom and my response was, “No I don’t. I don’t want any of these high tech diabetes things because I don’t want diabetes”. Am I thankful to have them, yes. Do I want them, not really. They are a necessity so maybe I’m a bit excited for the Dexcom just because it will help against days like yesterday to an extent. Want any of these gadgets, no, not exactly looking forward to having another attachment on my body or another item to carry around in my purse or something that is going to keep me awake like a newborn at night. (Diabetes will turn into a newborn baby)
I’m totally happy with my hubby, and life other than stupid “D” and my other physical issues that I’m dealing with right now, besides those everything else is great. I’m really not as depressed as I probably sound here. I just gotta vent cuz I’m pissed at the dead pancreas and non working beta cells that are snoozing in my body. Seriously, what are they doing in there other than an infinite vacation.