Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Round And Round We Go

At one point early in the weekend I was thinking about it and had thought I was just going to stop blogging. What is the point. But the weekend and yesterday were really rough mornings and, well, I did start this because it’s really my only outlet. Since my CDE (certified diabetes educator) Deb made adjustments to my pump last week I have been in the 200 -300 after breakfast all morning and cannot get even close to my target range of 90-100 until maybe lunch time. I just wanted to cry when it happened again for the 4th day in a row yesterday morning. This sucks, really sucks! I could have really used a “D” friend right now for some back up and to give me a pep talk. I wasn’t going to wait until Wednesday to send in my numbers to Deb, so I emailed her right off the bat yesterday morning and in a few hours she called me back, asked some questions and then had me email over my log since Thursday. She called back in another few hours and made a couple more adjustments. She is a bit confused…Way to go my body for throwing curveballs at yet another medical professional! Yet, she again encouraged me it’s not my fault, she knows I’m trying really hard to get in range and I’m not eating or doing things that I shouldn’t. Sigh, why would trying to figure anything out with my body be easy? It’s weird, not so easy to ever diagnose anything. Yet again not a standard text book case on anything. I’ve said before that if it was possible to do a live autopsy on me to see all the weird happenings inside of me I’d be all for it. I’m praying that we are going in the right direction and that we now know what we need to do to get things closer on target. Yesterday there were points I just want to break down and cry. It’s been a lot of wanting to give up lately and not care anymore. I had some thoughts that I haven’t allowed myself to have in a long time. Why? Why does God allow this, why me? Why anyone? I wouldn’t wish this ugly disease on my worst enemy. All day I was trying to give myself pep talks, that I’m not just trying to take care of myself for me but because of my husband and because we want kids someday. One step at a time, one finger prick at a time, one calculation at a time, one must have a snack when I don’t feel like it at a time, one passing up a snack I really want at a time, one bolus at a time, one pump adjustment at a time, one high or low at a time, on site change at a time, one changing out the reservoir on my pump at a time, one good cry at a time, and the list goes on….. Deep breaths and trusting in the one that has given me these breaths.

I wrote all the above yesterday, it was a pretty rough day as I’m sure you can tell. Today, this morning I wanted to get up and do the happy dance!!! In the blog I posted before this one I took pictures of the numbers on my meter from this morning. It was fantastic and a breath of relief. This afternoon has not been as pleasant, but not in the 200’s thank God! As far as I can tell I topped out at 181 after lunch, still not ideal but better. I’m so tired of checking my BG all the time. I heard before I got the pump that once I had it I wouldn’t have to check so often, I check about 10 times a day now when before I was only checking maybe 4. (Then again I blame my awful last endo for that one!) I don’t know why it’s said that people on the pump don’t have to check as often. Maybe once we think we have all the setting right it won’t be so bad. I know that if I had a CGM ( continuous glucose monitor) then I wouldn’t. When I got my pump a CGM did come with it, but when I was going over all of the pricing with the insurance company and pump company before I ordered and purchased anything they both failed to mention that I would have to change things out on a CGM just like I do for my pump and for 90 days of supplies it would be $600!!! Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen so we sent it back. A CGM is a little monitor that would go on my tummy or some where around there and would continuously send a signal to my pump telling it what my BG are. That would be nice, but not a pretty price tag! Hopefully soon this checking almost every hour of the morning and a couple in the afternoon and evening will be a distant memory. Then again, when I get pregnant that will start all over again. Geezzzz…………

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