Up HIll Battle

I’ve noticed lately that I’m dealing with a new set of emotions/feelings towards T1. I’m not even really sure what I would call it, maybe indifference? I really don’t know. So let me explain….

In the last couple of days insulin resistance is making it’s lovely appearance and showing its ugly head. I thankfully haven’t really been feeling sick or bad because of the high BGs, just the constant peeing almost every half hour it seems like and guzzling what feels like gallons of water. I do get really upset about these numbers and the fact that a 150  would be a beautiful number to see. Then, that anger fades to indifference and I figure I can’t do much other than the constant checking on Lexie’s screen (my Dexcom CGM) or doing a finger stick and checking on my meter to confirm the 200 something number is correct and then do a correction bolus if I don’t have too much insulin on board.

With all of this being said, I feel like it’s a constant battle raging on inside me lately trying to get to safer numbers. I guess that’s the best way to put it. I think that’s why I feel like when it comes down to it I just don’t have much fight left in me lately for anything other than trying to keep my BGs in a safer zone, nothing else seems to matter and it all seems so petty. Even other diabetes/health related things.

 A couple examples…..

I know I should really be putting up a fight on this one, and when it happened I was UBBER pissed, you can ask my husband. I still am but at the same time I’m shrugging it off. This stunt the insurance company pulled is a totally load of BS and I know I should have been on the phone with my insurance company right off the bat after the long weekend, but I haven’t and at this point, I don’t know that I will. Since my insurance changed I had to get a new script for test strips. I emailed the mail order form to my CDE, she had the doctor take care of it and I had just been waiting. They sent it in on the 8^th, I called on the 22 to check and confirm that everything was fine, no issues, that they would cover the strips and that all was good that it was only taking so long because I’m a new customer and it’s a new prescription. I was told that there were no notes in their system, it was just being processed and that everything was fine and yes it was only taking a while because it was a new prescription. Blah blah blah…. It would ship out on the 28^th. Saturday the 24^th the mail came and so did my strips, but not the ones my doctor sent in the script for, not the ones that I use!!! On the RX stickers on the boxes it clearly says to use in place of Contour Next! OMG! I guess the money hungry, having no idea about the actual individual’s health or care a bit idiots over there think that I just want to use a fancy digital meter, they don’t stop to think that there is a legitimate reason that my doc prescribes these, which is because that meter talks to my pump! Ugh! Not only that, no courtesy call to say or even ask if I have the One Touch Verio the meter that goes with the strips they sent. (I did happen to get a free one at a JDRF function but they don’t know that! That’s beside the point!!! I don’t like that meter, I like the one that I already use.) What if I didn’t have that meter, what if I didn’t and then I was down to my last couple of strips?!  So I did call on Saturday, but of course it was the weekend and no one was in to take my call. As time has worn on I’ve just mentally shrugged my shoulders and said what the heck?! They suck, it’s not fair that they won’t cover the ones that I’ve been using. It’s not fair that I already have to live with this chronic illness on a daily basis that is wearing me down not only physically but emotionally and mentally, between insurance companies, doctors offices/staff, and medical companies hardly any of them ever try to make life easier for a diabetic. Since the change with insurance companies in March it's been nothing but a head ache and I'm so done with it! I don’t have the fight in me to do anything about it, so I let it go.

 Instance number 2…

 I have a no animals in my car rule. I know, hate me all you want but I’m not an animal person. I’ve never allowed the dog in my car, we always take my husband’s car if we take her with us some place. Hubby doesn’t like it, and it turns into an argument every time. He thinks I’m evil for it. Not really. Anyway, we were going out to a friend’s farm for the holiday weekend and instead of trying to find someone to stay with her we brought the dog with us. Brad insisted that we take my car and that it would be fine to have the dog in it. I griped a little and then became indifferent. I know in the long run now I have hurt myself because in the future I’ll have to allow the dog in my car, but right now, I just shrug.

There have been a few other instances along with these, but I won't get into all of them. Times when I would usually put up a fight for what I believe in or what I want/think I need, but I just grumble a bit, and then give up. I have nothing in me to push me to fight for what I really want or deserve in situations right now. I'm praying that I don't eventually end up exploding, especially on my husband. If that were to happen I have to admit it would probably be something totally stupid and little that I would flip out about.

On a positive note, the hell pills, Letrozole, along with the insulin resistance that they are causing, the increased dosage this month did cause me to ovulate!!! Yippee!