Cycles, Crazy Hormones And A Virus

I don’t know what I feel anymore. Is my faith being built? I don’t feel like it. Am I feeling defeated, like a failure, useless and broken? Yes. Am I going numb? Last several days I feel like it. Too numb and sick of it all to feel much of anything. I’m not sure which is worse, feeling or the numbness. I really do believe what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but sometimes I wonder if it will also drive a person to insanity.

 Wednesday I called Dr. O’s office, my infertility specialist. I’m not pregnant but I haven’t ovulated according the Clear Blue ovulation kits. I should have ovulated within the last 2 weeks and every day the tests come back negative. I’ve noticed over the last couple of weeks I’ll have a few days in a row when my BGs will be higher than I would like and climb more quickly than usual so I reset my basal rates on my pump settings to pattern B for insulin resistance that kicks in with ovulation and because of the Letrozole. Both of these times are the two times I speculated I could have possibly ovulated. I test, I wait, and I test and I wait and I test.  Nothing, a big negatory on the ovulation kits. Then after a few days I start gong low and put my settings back to pattern A for my normal settings. It’s driving me crazy. I know it’s hard to keep BGs steady to begin with but I feel like these hormone changes are wrecking havoc on my BGs!  When I talked to the nurse at Dr. O’s office and I filled her in on all the details that she needed to know, she agreed that I should have ovulated by now and that no I’m not pregnant. When I calculated the days I should have ovulated I went by last month and calculated from day one of my period, that would have put me at day 11 and 12 of my cycle. When those two days showed up negative I then went back and calculated from the day I started the medicine, that would have put me at days 14 and 15. When I told the nurse how I calculated she agreed that I had done it correctly and here is why. I started the Letrozole on March 5^th because at that point in time it had been 30 days without a period and they told me to just start the medicine. I then ovulated between the 18/19^th days 11 and 12 of my cycle because I did start after I started on the meds. Since we are still trying to figure out my cycle being on the medicine I calculated that one first. When that didn’t happen this month on the 11^th or 12^th day I continued to test but suspected I would ovulate on days 14/15 of my cycle. That didn’t happen according to the test kit. I went yesterday morning to have my progesterone levels checked and I heard back from the nurse today. They were elevated as if I had ovulated in the past week, but she did say that progesterone increases when a period is about to start so I could be starting any day now or it’s possible that it was a faulty ovulation test kit that I was using. If I don’t by May 9^th I’m to take a pregnancy test since we don’t know for sure what is going on and if it’s negative they will give me something to jumpstart things and then increase my Letrozole dosage. Eeeewwww… Sigh…

 On top of it all my grandpa passed away on Wednesday and that same night I developed an ear/sinus virus out of nowhere! It hit the right side of my head like a ton of bricks. I went to the doctor right away yesterday because the pain is so intense but I had a feeling she was going to tell me there was no infection and I was right. It would have actually been better if it had been an infection, then I could have gotten something to kill it! If there had been I wouldn’t be seeing numbers like this beauty.