Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Reality of things

Since I was 25 before being diagnosed with type 1, and it was the following year that I moved out on my own I really don't think that any of my immediate family really has known or seen the impact of diabetes on a daily basis. It wasn't like I was a little kid that had to have her parents by her side and watching over her through it. My sisters didn't have our parents giving me extra attention because of "D". I was an adult, and there was a whole lot of ugly stuff going on in my family at the same time as my diagnosis, that it was just another piece of crap for flies to land on. It was an awful year with all the other junk going on, my sister who is 4 years younger than me being out of state at the time, along with me being the type of person that doesn’t like to necessarily rely on others especially my younger sisters, (Because I should be the older, bigger and stronger one right? They should rely on me, not the other way around am I right?) I don’t think my other sister who is 6 years younger really saw much either. My mom could not get out of work for my first Endo appointment, and never went with me to any others, so my best friend went with me the first time. Then me moving out barely a year after diagnosis, this has all lead to my fam not really seeing much of my "D" side. I don't think friends have so much either. It seems like lows don’t really hit unless I’m by myself, or I try to hide them and the same with highs. I really just try not to draw attention to myself. So I guess in a way I have made it harder on myself by not allowing those around me to see how this disease affects me. It’s hard though because I have had a few instances in the beginning where friends were just downright mean and inconsiderate, so that’s probably another reason I try not to let others see it. I’m not accustom to people asking a lot of questions, other than maybe my co-workers. I guess the people that I'm around the most will be the ones that are the most curious, considerate, and conscious that life is different and more stressful for me. At least sometimes. I don’t mind questions, I don’t mind talking about it. It is after all a huge part of my life. Since I’m not really use to people wanting to know, I'm always surprised when someone starts asking questions and seems genuinely concerned or curious. I might get a little uncomfortable at first thinking they are only asking to be polite or they will get bored with what I'm saying after 2.5 seconds, so I was kinda thrown off when we went out of town with friends for the weekend and lots of questions were asked. I think them being around me so much caused them to see a little more into my world. There were no episodes, no drastic highs (at least not that hung around for long) and no severe lows. I did eat a lot of fruit snacks to cover lows, but I never got weird. Questions were more geared toward my pump and sites, and things like food, and how do I feel when I’m high or low.

With this weekend, and everything that has gone on with the “D” over the last six months it’s really had me thinking. Before becoming a pumper, yeah, I counted my carbs and I had to treat lows. I did the 5 daily injects, and tested, but only 5 times a day max most of the time as far as testing is concerned. It was a lot, but now that I’m pumping, and I check sometimes 10 times a day, and I’m trying for such tight BG control it’s even more stress and harder to hide. It’s amazing and I’m so thankful, that hubs is learning with me and seeing the toll it takes and seeing my symptoms of highs and lows. I know, I've bragged on him before that he is such a great support in all of this, but I really don’t know what I would do without him. Hearing him tell people about my “D” I know that he is paying attention and keeping an eye on me. He knows I’m low if I’m talking and slurring and not making any since, or if I don’t respond whatsoever but I’m just dazed out because I’m too confused to respond. Or, I’m not responding because I’m trying to either not eat everything in sight or go into some kind of hysterical fit because I’m scared and emotional because I’m low. He notices when I’m high because I've got a head ache, don’t want to stay awake, feel like I’m getting a cold or get a certain look in my eyes. 

Realizing how much he takes notice of these things makes me realize yet again just how lucky I am to have him. I was also realizing while out on the lake this weekend how blessed I am. I know, the "D" sucks a lot, but despite that I have a lot to be thankful for. I know I may need to come back and read some of what I write because I have a feeling things may get harder in the next bit. More on that latter, but hopefully I'm wrong and I won't have anything to write on that. Anyway, Sunday when the rain was coming across the lake and I was thinking about how I would love to be able to just live on a lake like that I started to think about how hard different things have been in the past and for my family, but how blessed I am now. Yeah, there are things I wish I could change, but if I could be healthy and not deal with this disease, but have to be in a different place in my life, I probably wouldn't trade it. Yeah I get scared and frustrated, annoyed and drained from this daily annoyance, and yeah there are times I do feel like I'm limited in what I am able to do. At the same time, I don't know that I ever would have guessed that I would get to do as much as I have in the past two-three years (be a foodie, I can bee such a cridict!; go to a professional soccer game Real Madrid vs Inter Milan; zip line in Mexico ), travel as much (maybe not out of the country except to Mexico for our honeymoon, but we have had some great trips in the two years we have been married! LA a couple of times, Florida several times, Kansas City multiple times), and I'm an aunt! That last one, I don't know what being a mom is like, but being an aunt I think just might be a step below. I know I don't see those little guys very often, but even if I did I don't think it would change a thing. 

I know I wrote a lot here, a lot of just randomness, that's pretty much what has been in my head lately. A bunch of nothing that makes a sense. So I'll end with this.............. 

 Here is the view I had Sunday as I sat on our screened in porch enjoying a glass of wine and watching the rain come and go over the lake. It doesn't look quite so rainy in this picture.

                                       A sunny day on the lake, gees I wish I was still there...

            Sunset,  you can really see that it's a screened in porch here. I know, I have mad photography skills.

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