Special Kinda Man

It takes a special kina man……………(or woman)

 

To be a husband, wife or someone who is close to a T1D on a daily basis it takes a special kind of person.

 

It takes a man who is patient, a man who is kind

It takes a man who will listen, and is willing to learn

A man who pays attention and notices details

It takes a man who is willing to make multiple stops during a bike ride

for BG testing and glucose tab eating

It takes a man that will step in and take over dinner prep/making when

wifey gets confused and goofy from a low

It takes a special man who is willing to stay in or go home early because

his wife is suffering from a bad low hangover or a nasty high that just won’t drop

It take a special kind of man to deal with his wife going low during “special married people time”

A man who will deal with the emotional side of T1D, the water works and occasional break downs

It takes a special man to offer to get up in the middle of the night to get a low snack or juice box

A man who can take the “cranky” “mean” lows

Who will laugh when he wakes up in the morning because he is covered from head to toe

in test strips because “someone” was half asleep and low while testing in bed in the middle of the
night and didn’t realize the entire opened bottle of strips didn’t make it back into their case

It takes a special kind of man, one who will obsessively look on EBay for test strips at a lower cost

than going through the insurance/pharmacy companies and find 600 for only .27ea!!!! (that’s unheard of by the way)

It takes a man who actually measures out food portions when he is the one making dinner

It takes a special kind of man to know it’s important how many carbs and not sugar are in the juice

boxes he is buying for his wife

It takes a man who reminds his wife during her break downs that he knew about what he was

getting into with her T1D when he married her and he loves her anyway and will continue to do so

A man who will stop her from eating the entire pantry/refrigerator contents when low

Or tell her to check again when she is low because the reading on the meter seems way off

It takes a special kind of man to deal with the financial aspects

It takes a special kind of man that is willing to give up Ted Drew’s Frozen custard after dinner and have a healthier less BG crazy banana chocolate shake instead (Recipe below)

I have that special kind of man

This is my man, the one I am blessed to have

 

I think I’ve mentions my new favorite ice cream/frozen custard substitute in other posts. This does not seem to wreck havoc on my numbers and I seem to do pretty well. I know some other T1’s have issues with bananas so it’s up to you. It tastes a lot like a Wendy’s  Frosty, it helps to cut the craving and it’s healthy!

 

1 Frozen banana

1 cup of plain unsweetened vanilla almond milk

1 tbl spoon of cocoa powder

1 tbl spoon ground flax seed or chia seeds

8-10 ice cubes

 

Mix in blender until well blended and the consistency that you prefer. Pretty much the only carbs you have to worry about are from the banana. Cocoa powder has none and if you get the correct almond milk there is maybe 1 gram of carb. Check the flax or chia seeds first too, because they don’t seem to affect me, but I think there might me enough fiber that you would need to calculate that as a factor when bolusing. I’ve done this so many times now I just know the units of insulin I need to cover it, and no spikes like I would with any other frozen treat!

Slacker... But Not How You Think

I splurged today…. I know, when you think of splurging you are thinking that I dove into something chocolate, or a piece of cake or a donut, or a cookie or fudge or....... the list goes on. Nope, I wish that was what I had done. Instead I bought a Naked Red Machine fruit smoothie. I had no leftovers to bring to work, no fresh veggies that I could just bring with me, all I had was bread and cheese so a toasted cheese sandwich it was. We haven’t been eating the best lately and I really wanted a salad, but couldn’t think of any place to go where I could get a healthy salad. So when I went to Target on my break I got the Naked drink, even though originally I wanted the veggie one I realized that there really isn’t one loaded with veggies and I guess if there was it would be pretty dang nasty.

 When I say it was a splurge that’s because I usually stay away from those sorts of drinks because of all the sugar. This one had 61 grams of carbs! That’s 7.7 units of insulin for me and I had already had 21 carbs with my sandwich. I generally try to stay between 45-50 grams carbs per meal. Even though these drinks may be natural sugars they will still spike me and are a pretty big no no.

 I have been thinking a lot about “good” diabetics and “bad” diabetics lately and about poor control, good control and tight control. I like to think that I’m pretty tight on my control. It doesn’t matter how tight on controlling eating habits,  how great the basal rates are set on a pump, or being sure to bolus 15-20 minutes before eating or how often a person exercises,  it really doesn’t matter what a diabetic or their health team does, diabetes is diabetes and it will do what it wants when it wants. It has a mind of its own. Yes, taking all of these steps and doing all of these things helps, they all drastically help. Yet 2+2 does not always = 4 when it comes to diabetes.  2+2 can = 10, it can = 25, it can = 68 or it can = 250. Math and diabetes, they don’t work well together, but at the same time math is the only solution for the lovely “D”, and I do more math on a daily basis that I ever really care to. I have to do math before I eat, math before working out, math before sleeping sometimes.

 

With all of this, I’m cutting myself some slack, and when I say cutting myself some slack I don’t mean that I’m slacking off on taking care of myself, but I’m allowing myself to splurge a little more on what I eat and I’m trying not to be so hard on myself when I see any ugly number on my meter. I think that having an amazing A1C in July helped with this for sure. If I end up above 200 ok, what do I need to do to get down? If I end up below 80 multiple times in a day, okay, eat fruit snacks and take it easy and don’t work out if it comes to that. Question what the cause and solution is, but if I can't figure where things went wrong, because most of the time it just happens, then I let it go and move on. I know it’s just a faze, then again, maybe not, but I haven’t been beating myself up when I see a number I don’t like. I can’t control this disease any more than I can control the weather.

 

 It makes me think I could see why some people don’t take care of themselves, it’s a whole lot of hard work. If I didn’t have the motivation of having a baby some day, or being married for 70 years, (yes, that’s what Brad tells people, that we will be married for 70 years and I’m going with it!), or the rest of my family then maybe I would be headed down a dark road.  I have to remind myself as I’ve said in other posts that my health isn’t just about me, taking care of myself is about those around me as well, because I am cared about. It’s so easy to give up, so easy to just crumple up on the floor, have a hissy fit pity party and cry, and believe me, I’ve done it plenty. Yet I can’t stay there. I just read a post on Face Book today from Type 1 Diabetes Memes about the perfect diabetic and it doesn’t exist. It just doesn’t, we are human just like everyone else.

 

So if you are reading this, and you have been in a place where you feel you can’t do anything right for your “D” and you think you will never get to the point of actually being proud of yourself and how you take care of yourself. I give you permission to stop. Stop playing the blame game, stop beating yourself up, STOP STOP STOP. Do remind yourself that you are human, DO remind yourself that you are strong, DO remind yourself that you are not alone, DO remind yourself that you can do it, Do check out the You Can Do This Project.

 

On that note, I'm going to go ride my bike and have a banana chocolate smoothie later tonight.  

 

Hockey game, security and wands

Hockey is back baby!!! A coworker gave me tickets for the preseason opener Friday night. It was a great night! Hubs and I grabbed a quick bite to eat and then met up at the arena with his cousin and his wife. Lines were out the door long, but moving pretty quickly. I've been to plenty of baseball games, there have never been metal detectors or wands so I gave security no thought until we got close to the head of the line. Security was checking everyone out with metal detecting wands. Great! We were told to remove anything metal from our purces so as I was trying to take things like keys, make up brush, compact mirror, purse table holder and the like out of my  Mary Poppins bag my husband who was ahead of me was telling security they couldn't wand me, I have an insulin pump. Security dude in our line waved over the security lady in the line next to ours and told her to check my purse and pat me down, don't wand me. So as she is taking the extra time, (maybe it only seemed longer because of the attention I was getting), patting me down and closely inspecting (ok maybe just glancing), I'm my purse, people are starting to stare and the head security chick is trying to yell at her above the crowd that there is really no need to pat me down, just check my purse. I'm sure it didn't take as long as it felt and I sure am glad I didn't know ahead of time about the metal detectors or I would have been a nervous stress ball all day/evening before hand thinking about and wondering if security and hubby would get into a fight about my pump, me jumping in or crying out of frustration. Thankfully none of the scenarios I would have possibly thought of in my mind even came close to happening and I had no chance really of even thinking of those scenarios. Security was curtious and made no big deal. Now I just pray no issues with TSA or anything next month. I do plan to try out the TSA Cares program that I've read about among the DOC. Flying and airports make me nervous anyway, now having this pump..... I'm so tempted to take a pumpcation while on vacation.

Invisible Illness Awareness Week 2013

Did you know that this week is Invisible Illness Week? I just found out myself. Click the link for more info or to participate yourself. Also, here is the link for the 30 Things About My Illness You May Not Know.

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1.The illness I live with is: Type 1 Diabetes; Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Diabetes Insipidus and Hypo Thyroid

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: T1D 2008; PCOS 2009; DI 2011 ; Hypo Thyroid 2013

               

3. But I had symptoms since: T1D symptoms started about a year before. Lost 30lbs in a years time, infections bruises and cuts that wouldn't heal. Then the last straw was peeing and drinking ALL the time. PCOS, that was 12 years and ten doctors before being diagnosed. Diabetes Insipudis was about 5 months before diagnosis. Hypo Thyroid was I’m really not sure how long I had symptoms, maybe 6-12 months before diagnosis and really didn't know it.

4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: T1D: injections, blood testing lots of times o day, doctor’s appointments, all the crap I have to carry around, carb counting, wearing a pump, no more fun summer dresses without being a royal pain in the hinney, being really in tune with my body for highs and lows, the list goes on and on and on…. Was I to just pick one adjustment per illness? My bad! PCOS, DI and Thyroid are just pills

5. Most people assume: That with T1 I just can’t eat sugar and it’s no big deal. But I can eat a lot of what I want, it’s just if I want to pay the consequences later on some things. Now that I’m on a pump, it acts just like a pancreas but I control it so really there are just a few things I may choose not to eat anymore at all or only at certain times because of the way those foods will affect me.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Having to eat breakfast. I could skip, but I know I’ll be hungry once I get to work and I can’t just grab a donut or something from the vending machine. I do need to eat healthy because breakfast really does have a huge affect on the rest of my day and blood sugars.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: It was Mob Doctor, but I don’t think it’s on anymore.

8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: My blood glucose meter

9. The hardest part about nights are: Sometimes it’s remembering to check my BG before bed. If I end up remembering after I've brushed my teeth and then have to eat a snack to keep from going low at night. That’s just rotten!

10. Each day I take pills & vitamins. Both- 3 types of pills and 5 vitamins

11. Regarding alternative treatments I:  I think that they can be good, and I know that some people reading this will not agree with me…. Type 1 there is NO alternative to insulin. I don’t care who you are, if you are not using insulin you are not T1. I met a woman recently who insisted that her doctor diagnosed her with T1 and all she had to do was a no carb diet. Really? Get another doctor! PCOS, I’ve looked into alternatives and for me they don’t work. Only pills and the same with DI and Hypo Thyroid.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Invisible for sure! As it is I hate it if a high or low cause me to receive attention. I don’t even like it sometimes when my husband starts when I’m low. Sometimes during a bad low I just need to be left alone, but kept an eye on, and given peace and quiet so I don’t flip out.

13. Regarding working and career: I have to work for health insurance. No independent business on my own, gotta work for a company. I've said it in past blogs, but it does kinda suck. I've had ideas of other things I've wanted to do recently, but I can’t branch out independently.

14. People would be surprised to know: I still think that despite my blogging no one other than another t1 can understand how much work this disease is! It’s tiring. Also, that despite a happy face that I try most of the time to slap on, how not good and unhealthy I feel most of the time. I've pretty much forgotten what feeling “normal” is like.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Well, the pump is the newest reality, so I guess not wearing what I want all the time. I know that as women getting dressed can be multiple wardrobe changes but wearing a pump makes it SOOO much harder. I've really struggled with that this summer and have wanted to go out on a shopping spree. I've felt very frumpy, gross and unattractive in my clothing for most of the summer. I know this may seem vain, but when there are so many other things along with the disease to worry about it just heightens the small things as well on top of just adding feeling unattractive.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: I can’t think of anything, maybe when I’ve had a baby that will be different.

17. The commercials about my illness: Hate them all, pretty much a bunch of crap info that is incorrect.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Eating ice cream when I want and 7Eleven slurpees and Icees from the movie theater.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: See #15 and #18

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Blogging, and reading other blogs on T1. Or maybe it’s more of an obsession.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I'd eat whatever I wanted, but not over eat so that I could go on a nice long walk or bike ride without worrying about a low or high or having to take my pump with me and then I'd eat a huge chocolaty ice cream something for dinner.  I'd also wear one of my favorite dresses all day no matter what I was doing that day since I haven't really for more than a couple of hours all summer cuz it's a pain. I'd also go swimming and it would be glorious because I wouldn't have to worry about checking my BG and bolusing insulin every hour during swim time. 

22. My illness has taught me: That I’m stronger that I ever thought I could be. There is no choice.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: I don’t want to hear about the person you know that had a limb cut off or passed away because of diabetes. I don’t want to hear about the risks of pregnancy or how you know someone who’s child passed away or was born with  severe problems because of their gestational diabetes. I know these things, I don’t live under a rock, I’m a smart person that does lots of reading and research on this. I don’t want to hear the negative, I live with enough fear regarding this. Also, I don’t need people to monitor me when I eat. What I eat and when I eat is no one else’s business. Only one person has permission to monitor me and what and when I’m eating and that’s my husband and he does it when I’m low to keep me from eating everything inside the pantry and fridge. Oops, I was to choose one thing? Oh well…

24. But I love it when people: Actually listen when they have asked a question and they really care.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: If it doesn't kill you it will only make you stronger

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them:  It’s really not the end of the world, but it’s okay to mourn the loss of your previous life as you know it. Cry, get mad, scream about it. It’s a hard sucky life, but you can do it, you are not alone and you are stronger than you realize. Even after a few years, it doesn't really get easier so it’ s okay to still have those times of feeling empty, lost and a frustrated. Personally, I have never had to seek therapy or use meds for depression, but a lot of people with T1 have and do and there is no shame in that. If you get to that point don’t be ashamed, seek help for it or if you have to go on meds, it’s okay and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about yourself for it. Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help and reach out for support. You need to, it’s essential to have at least 1 person that you trust and is in your corner cheering you on in this fight. So don’t be afraid to find someone to back you up.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: How sensitive it has made me to others with an illness. We have no idea what someone else is going through if we are not dealing with it ourselves.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: Probably hubs, when he keeps an eye on me, takes over dinner prep when I’m low. Speaks up when we are out with people and I’m not feeling well and makes sure that I’m taken care of or takes steps to make sure there are no issues.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I think it’s important for people to know about this and be educated on this disease.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Not alone, that you care, and want to try and understand what I have to go through on a daily basis. Thank you!

P.S . Due to operator error, for some reason sometimes when I start out writing my blog in a Word document and then paste it for some reason some of the paragraphs/words come up bold and I can't see to change it. Sorry for the annoyance! 

Wordless Wednesday

This is a first, I bled when I took this site out.

I Need A Name

I'm reaching out to my fellow DBloggers. I'm creating my own team for the JDRF walk thats coming up the 6th of October and I need a team name. I'm awful at coming up with things like that. I think it could be kinda catchy to use my last name, Panke, but anything that I think of is too long or lame. Panke with a dead pancreas; Insuficiant pancreas Panke.... just seem too long. It doesn't really have to have my last name. Any suggestions would be welcome.


Also, if anyone has any suggestions for the walk I'd welcome those as well. I've never been to the JDRF walk and I'm really not sure what to expect or how to go about fund raising. Between family, friends and co-workers I think I'll have about ten people on my team and that seems pretty good to me with this being my first time and all. I've done my share of walks, I've done the Koman Race For A Cure, there is one that I do yearly for a local girls home. So I know how they generally work, but I've never raised funds before. I've always just paid the registration fee and given a donation.

The Problems With Being A Woman...........

If you are a dude reading this, you may want to turn back now….. Otherwise proceed with reading at your own risk of TMI.

 

Diabetes and being a woman, dang it sucks! Since being on the pump my CDE has tried to help me figure out what we need to do about basal rate settings for when it’s around the time of my special visitor. Problem is, I’m not even close to being on a regular schedule so that is pretty much impossible. Over the last two weeks or more I’ve been running on the low side, no matter what I eat I’ve been on average under 150, not that I’m complaining. If I’ve had any highs it’s because of my own dumb fault, like eating ice cream. That will jack me up into the 200-300’s but not for more than several hours. Now that my visitor decided to finally show up on Tuesday things haven’t really changed. It’s been a rough one too because of some meds my doctor put me on, and this morning I bottomed out. It was really scary, I’m amazed I haven’t suffered too bad from a low hangover. Not more than an hour or two anyway.  I was trying to explain something to our IT guy, who is totally ADD and not getting it as I kept saying that I didn’t know, that I wasn’t quite with it,  that I couldn’t concentrate. Internally I remember trying really hard not to have a spastic freak out, but I was afraid that the gummy bears were not kicking in and that I would pass out or that I was about to start blubbering like a 5 year old that wasn’t getting their way. It was after our IT guy left me that it really felt like it was getting worse, even though it was on the upward climb so I was okay, but not feeling it yet, that another co-worker who asked me about going on break realized I wasn’t doing so hot. For once I admitted that I wasn’t and asked him not to leave me alone in our department because no one else was there. He asked me a few hours later how I was, which I was fine by then, but he said I freaked him out. I think this is the first time a co-worker has seen me “scary”. He said that I was pale, my eyes had this weird glassy look and I was responding weird or delayed. Yup, that sounds about right. Needless to say, I have been pretty quiet today and kept to myself with that awful low and evil PMS, I have been ready to get home and not have to try and act okay.  I don’t know why sometimes I can be at a 46 like I was and not even feel it and then other times I can be 65 and feel that way. Oh wait, maybe because test strips and meters are not accurate!!! Anyway, I hate freaking people out and I hate the attention I get for it! I almost feel like the PMS heightened the low? I don’t know, does that happen??? But then I hear that the “visitor” can bring the highs along with it?  I don’t know how to figure it out when my body is so messed up and seems to hate me and not be on a regular schedule. I also decided today, that I think work places should give us women 2-3 sick days each month in order for us to entertain our monthly “visitor”. I’m just sayin!

 

Reality of things

Since I was 25 before being diagnosed with type 1, and it was the following year that I moved out on my own I really don't think that any of my immediate family really has known or seen the impact of diabetes on a daily basis. It wasn't like I was a little kid that had to have her parents by her side and watching over her through it. My sisters didn't have our parents giving me extra attention because of "D". I was an adult, and there was a whole lot of ugly stuff going on in my family at the same time as my diagnosis, that it was just another piece of crap for flies to land on. It was an awful year with all the other junk going on, my sister who is 4 years younger than me being out of state at the time, along with me being the type of person that doesn’t like to necessarily rely on others especially my younger sisters, (Because I should be the older, bigger and stronger one right? They should rely on me, not the other way around am I right?) I don’t think my other sister who is 6 years younger really saw much either. My mom could not get out of work for my first Endo appointment, and never went with me to any others, so my best friend went with me the first time. Then me moving out barely a year after diagnosis, this has all lead to my fam not really seeing much of my "D" side. I don't think friends have so much either. It seems like lows don’t really hit unless I’m by myself, or I try to hide them and the same with highs. I really just try not to draw attention to myself. So I guess in a way I have made it harder on myself by not allowing those around me to see how this disease affects me. It’s hard though because I have had a few instances in the beginning where friends were just downright mean and inconsiderate, so that’s probably another reason I try not to let others see it. I’m not accustom to people asking a lot of questions, other than maybe my co-workers. I guess the people that I'm around the most will be the ones that are the most curious, considerate, and conscious that life is different and more stressful for me. At least sometimes. I don’t mind questions, I don’t mind talking about it. It is after all a huge part of my life. Since I’m not really use to people wanting to know, I'm always surprised when someone starts asking questions and seems genuinely concerned or curious. I might get a little uncomfortable at first thinking they are only asking to be polite or they will get bored with what I'm saying after 2.5 seconds, so I was kinda thrown off when we went out of town with friends for the weekend and lots of questions were asked. I think them being around me so much caused them to see a little more into my world. There were no episodes, no drastic highs (at least not that hung around for long) and no severe lows. I did eat a lot of fruit snacks to cover lows, but I never got weird. Questions were more geared toward my pump and sites, and things like food, and how do I feel when I’m high or low.

With this weekend, and everything that has gone on with the “D” over the last six months it’s really had me thinking. Before becoming a pumper, yeah, I counted my carbs and I had to treat lows. I did the 5 daily injects, and tested, but only 5 times a day max most of the time as far as testing is concerned. It was a lot, but now that I’m pumping, and I check sometimes 10 times a day, and I’m trying for such tight BG control it’s even more stress and harder to hide. It’s amazing and I’m so thankful, that hubs is learning with me and seeing the toll it takes and seeing my symptoms of highs and lows. I know, I've bragged on him before that he is such a great support in all of this, but I really don’t know what I would do without him. Hearing him tell people about my “D” I know that he is paying attention and keeping an eye on me. He knows I’m low if I’m talking and slurring and not making any since, or if I don’t respond whatsoever but I’m just dazed out because I’m too confused to respond. Or, I’m not responding because I’m trying to either not eat everything in sight or go into some kind of hysterical fit because I’m scared and emotional because I’m low. He notices when I’m high because I've got a head ache, don’t want to stay awake, feel like I’m getting a cold or get a certain look in my eyes. 

Realizing how much he takes notice of these things makes me realize yet again just how lucky I am to have him. I was also realizing while out on the lake this weekend how blessed I am. I know, the "D" sucks a lot, but despite that I have a lot to be thankful for. I know I may need to come back and read some of what I write because I have a feeling things may get harder in the next bit. More on that latter, but hopefully I'm wrong and I won't have anything to write on that. Anyway, Sunday when the rain was coming across the lake and I was thinking about how I would love to be able to just live on a lake like that I started to think about how hard different things have been in the past and for my family, but how blessed I am now. Yeah, there are things I wish I could change, but if I could be healthy and not deal with this disease, but have to be in a different place in my life, I probably wouldn't trade it. Yeah I get scared and frustrated, annoyed and drained from this daily annoyance, and yeah there are times I do feel like I'm limited in what I am able to do. At the same time, I don't know that I ever would have guessed that I would get to do as much as I have in the past two-three years (be a foodie, I can bee such a cridict!; go to a professional soccer game Real Madrid vs Inter Milan; zip line in Mexico ), travel as much (maybe not out of the country except to Mexico for our honeymoon, but we have had some great trips in the two years we have been married! LA a couple of times, Florida several times, Kansas City multiple times), and I'm an aunt! That last one, I don't know what being a mom is like, but being an aunt I think just might be a step below. I know I don't see those little guys very often, but even if I did I don't think it would change a thing. 

I know I wrote a lot here, a lot of just randomness, that's pretty much what has been in my head lately. A bunch of nothing that makes a sense. So I'll end with this.............. 

 Here is the view I had Sunday as I sat on our screened in porch enjoying a glass of wine and watching the rain come and go over the lake. It doesn't look quite so rainy in this picture.

                                       A sunny day on the lake, gees I wish I was still there...

            Sunset,  you can really see that it's a screened in porch here. I know, I have mad photography skills.