While Keeping THE Secret-What Was Really Going On: Week 5

This secret has been sooo hard to keep!
It was so hard for a year and 3 months to hear and see everyone else getting pregnant. Facebook was becoming torture and even going to church or any social event was getting to the point that all I wanted was to be a hermit and stop hearing seeing that everyone was getting pregnant but me! It was like all anyone else had to do was have sex and boom! There's a baby whether they wanted that baby or not! We on the other hand if you either know me personally and I have opened up to you or you have been following my blog know that getting pregnant was not so easy for us. So for then 2 months it was hard being on Facebook and going anyplace and not blabbing our news. It didn't help that in a 2 week time I had social events scheduled with different sets of girlfriends that I don't get to see very often and I had to keep my lips sealed. Also in that two week time I saw my sister who I rarely see and I still had to keep the secret. Which was not the easiest because when I saw my sister I was not feeling the best.

Since there has been so much on my mind and so much that I’ve wanted to write about I decided to still write when I had the inkling so that all my thoughts were typed out in real time and I didn’t miss anything. The rest of this post and several to follow will be some of those posts so you get to see what was going on in our lives and in my head as it was happening as a pregnant Type 1.

 
5 Weeks and 6 days: Tuesday June 17

There have been a ton of feelings since we found out. Right now, as I write this, it still hasn't quite hit me, it does yet it doesn't quite feel like a reality. We have exactly 2 weeks before our Big appointment when we get to see the first pictures of our little jalapeno and then maybe, just maybe things will feel more real.

 Before I even took the tests, I knew. In my gut. It was different this time. I think that the diabetes and other health issues have made me so self aware and so in tune with my body that I just knew something was different. I didn't have any of the standard signs that you hear everyone talk about, no morning sickness, no cravings, no overly emotional. No, I had symptoms that of course I played off at first to being side effects of the hell pills I was on to get me to this point. I had cramps about a week before I should have started, which is when I had been starting to get them over the last couple of months prior, but they felt different this time. My chest was very sore and tender, but that also felt different. I know that “they”, whoever “they” are, say that symptoms aren't felt until 5, maybe 6 weeks but the more I read others blogs the more I saw that’s not always the case. I finally found in "What To Expect When You're Expecting" that said that frequent urination can start as soon as 2 weeks! Well that explains a lot. With my DI I was thinking that was being affected and that maybe my meds needed to be increased, but when I called my doctor's office and asked the nurse said no. No need to increase anything yet, that the DI shouldn't be affecting anything quite yet.

 My reaction to the plus sign on the test stick wasn't what I expected, maybe because I couldn't believe it, maybe because I was too scared. I had checked 2 days earlier than maybe I should have. I knew I wouldn't really believe it until I had real confirmation. I did take a third test 2 days latter and then called my doctor who then had me get the blood work done to confirm. When the nurse called me back she said that I was very pregnant! I don't even know what that means! Anyway when I had thought about the day that I would first see a positive sign I thought I would cry hysterically from sheer joy and then jump up and down and scream in giddy excitement but I did neither. I was too stunned I think. After all this time, after 1 year and 3 moths I had started to lose faith, started to think maybe it wasn't supposed to happen for us. I know that isn't a long time compared to some, but I think with all the preparing myself due to “D” and getting myself ready and then thinking that we had been trying for a year to then find out that we needed help that in turn made it feel like we were back at square 1 and that the last year was not really trying at all………….. I think I was dumbfounded. I remember crying in the shower later that day, it was a happy cry. I had to get ready to go to a wedding and wasn't sure I was going to be emotionally put together. I don’t cry at weddings, I never have, but I sure as heck did tear up and thought I could lose it a couple of times during the ceremony. I think just because I was still feeling very overwhelmed. That’s weird to think it was only a little over a week ago, I feel like that was forever, I feel like I've known forever. But, I haven’t.

 This secret is hard to keep. I want to shout it from the mountain tops! “Look what the Lord has done! Look! It happened! Look all my hard work paid off of getting myself ready!!!” When I really let myself go there, and think about it that way I start to tear up and a few times I have cried a little. It’s exciting and happy. I thought I would be a lot more scared of my BGs and what they are doing to things on the inside, but I've felt at peace. I know I've prayed for that, but I never expected to be this peaceful and calm about it. Maybe because my BGs have been absolutely incredibly amazing! That’ s a nice thing, that beautiful BGs happen in the very beginning. I haven’t hit the low all the time faze yet. I know that’s coming in the next few weeks.  Now don’t get me wrong, I have had some highs, but thankfully they haven’t lasted long and any that did seem a bit stubborn to come down have happened at home and I’m able to go jump on my stationary bike and ride the sucker down. That did bite me in the butt the other night. I had crept up to 177, had been above 150 for over a couple of hours and I decided to go ride the bike for a few to get things down to a better level. I had insulin on board, but since it hadn’t seemed to be kicking in the way I wanted I decided to try the bike. It worked, but since my CGM has been a fritz case lately and not on target like I would like, it kept telling me all night long that I was in the 60s/50s and I wasn’t. There was one time that I was 60 something but the rest of the time when I did a finger stick I was in the 80’s and 90’s. Ugh! At least I got myself down. July 1st at 9am cannot come fast enough! I want to see the ultrasound pictures of our baby and hear the heartbeat! Come on July first and just get here!