Round And Round We Go

At one point early in the weekend I was thinking about it and had thought I was just going to stop blogging. What is the point. But the weekend and yesterday were really rough mornings and, well, I did start this because it’s really my only outlet. Since my CDE (certified diabetes educator) Deb made adjustments to my pump last week I have been in the 200 -300 after breakfast all morning and cannot get even close to my target range of 90-100 until maybe lunch time. I just wanted to cry when it happened again for the 4th day in a row yesterday morning. This sucks, really sucks! I could have really used a “D” friend right now for some back up and to give me a pep talk. I wasn’t going to wait until Wednesday to send in my numbers to Deb, so I emailed her right off the bat yesterday morning and in a few hours she called me back, asked some questions and then had me email over my log since Thursday. She called back in another few hours and made a couple more adjustments. She is a bit confused…Way to go my body for throwing curveballs at yet another medical professional! Yet, she again encouraged me it’s not my fault, she knows I’m trying really hard to get in range and I’m not eating or doing things that I shouldn’t. Sigh, why would trying to figure anything out with my body be easy? It’s weird, not so easy to ever diagnose anything. Yet again not a standard text book case on anything. I’ve said before that if it was possible to do a live autopsy on me to see all the weird happenings inside of me I’d be all for it. I’m praying that we are going in the right direction and that we now know what we need to do to get things closer on target. Yesterday there were points I just want to break down and cry. It’s been a lot of wanting to give up lately and not care anymore. I had some thoughts that I haven’t allowed myself to have in a long time. Why? Why does God allow this, why me? Why anyone? I wouldn’t wish this ugly disease on my worst enemy. All day I was trying to give myself pep talks, that I’m not just trying to take care of myself for me but because of my husband and because we want kids someday. One step at a time, one finger prick at a time, one calculation at a time, one must have a snack when I don’t feel like it at a time, one passing up a snack I really want at a time, one bolus at a time, one pump adjustment at a time, one high or low at a time, on site change at a time, one changing out the reservoir on my pump at a time, one good cry at a time, and the list goes on….. Deep breaths and trusting in the one that has given me these breaths.

I wrote all the above yesterday, it was a pretty rough day as I’m sure you can tell. Today, this morning I wanted to get up and do the happy dance!!! In the blog I posted before this one I took pictures of the numbers on my meter from this morning. It was fantastic and a breath of relief. This afternoon has not been as pleasant, but not in the 200’s thank God! As far as I can tell I topped out at 181 after lunch, still not ideal but better. I’m so tired of checking my BG all the time. I heard before I got the pump that once I had it I wouldn’t have to check so often, I check about 10 times a day now when before I was only checking maybe 4. (Then again I blame my awful last endo for that one!) I don’t know why it’s said that people on the pump don’t have to check as often. Maybe once we think we have all the setting right it won’t be so bad. I know that if I had a CGM ( continuous glucose monitor) then I wouldn’t. When I got my pump a CGM did come with it, but when I was going over all of the pricing with the insurance company and pump company before I ordered and purchased anything they both failed to mention that I would have to change things out on a CGM just like I do for my pump and for 90 days of supplies it would be $600!!! Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen so we sent it back. A CGM is a little monitor that would go on my tummy or some where around there and would continuously send a signal to my pump telling it what my BG are. That would be nice, but not a pretty price tag! Hopefully soon this checking almost every hour of the morning and a couple in the afternoon and evening will be a distant memory. Then again, when I get pregnant that will start all over again. Geezzzz…………

Goody goody gum drops!

Two numbers I just don't see enough of!!!! After my horrible weekend and yesterday morning of highs this is beautiful!!! This is was my morning today.

Hiding Place, Lol

I think I found a new hiding place for my pump when wearing a sleeveless dress and sweater. :) hehe

Roller Coaster: Not Mr. Freeze

I’m super excited, I just ordered a new book off of Amazon.com. I went paperback, Brad did give me a tablet for my birthday last year, but there is just something about a real book. Plus, for some reason I just felt like I needed to have an actual book in case someone ever needs to borrow it. Don't know why, just a feeling. It’s titled “Breakthrough: Elizabeth Hughes”. It’s a true story of an eleven year girl diagnosed with juvenile diabetes back in 1919 just a little while before the discovery of insulin. From what I can tell by reading about it, looks like she beat the odds and survived longer than the doctors said she would before being one of the first people to ever use insulin. Apparently back then the only solution for T1D was starvation to keep BG levels down. I think it sounds like a pretty educational book and I’m sure I will be sharing my thoughts as I go through it. I found the book through a blog that I’m obsessed with reading, www.textingmypancreas.com . Kim, the author that writes this blog recommended the book. She has been T1D for 27 years, diagnosed at age 6 and reading her blog has been tremendously helpful to me. I swear it’s like reading my own thoughts at times. Reading her blog actually is what got me to start blogging. She also started the "You Can Do This Project", which is where other PWDs (people with diabetes) record themselves telling their story about how they were diagnosed, their struggles and then encouraging others out there and then posting their recording on Youtube. I love watching those as well. Again, it just reiterates what a great thing technology is and how it connects people. This has been a great avenue for me, because I have given thought to finding a support group, but if you are like me you envision what you see on TV and the movies. I don't want that, I don't want to sit around with a bunch of people crying and being depressed. Yes, I would like to have an understanding shoulder to cry on, or an ear to vent to that understands at times, (This is where my awesome hubby comes in, and he has been great!) but at the same time I'm not going to sit around and mope. That's why I think this whole new world (new to me anyway) of blogging and the online "D" support community has been so great for me. I can vent and get it out on here, and then live my daily life and tell my struggles on here without being a "Debbie Downer" all the time. 

So the reason I titled this blog "Roller coaster: Not Mr. Freeze" is because diabetes is a roller coaster. The highs and the lows are crazy! As annoying as they are, and frustrating as it can be, I was thinking about it the last couple of days and realizing what an amazing alarm system God has created our bodies to be. Having “D” I have to be so in tune with my body, but at the same time, it gives off signals when something is wrong. I know that I have talked about all complications and fears of “D” but I have not actually gone over the highs and lows of it all. I know I told my story about being in Target, getting really low and feeling confused, but now I’m going to give more detail.

The Highs

Depending on how “good” I’ve been I may or may not be able to tell if my BG has been high. Usually I can tell when I’m above 250 if it’s been for quite some time.

Symptoms are:

Head ache

I want to eat everything in sight
Nauseousness

Bloating (Like there is a huge rock in my stomach!)

Extreme thirst

Frequent urination

Extremely tired and lethargic

Feeling like I’m coming down with a cold (stuffy nose and slight sore throat-these two are huge indicators for me that I've been above 250 for a while.)

All of these tend to go away once things get back into check. I've not heard of some of these for other people, like the bloating and cold symptoms, but I've noticed it in me. I’m not a standard text book case on anything as my doctor likes to tell me so I’m not surprised if no one else get those.

The Lows

Confusion
Felling like I can eat the world
Nauseousness

Hot flashes (In the beginning of my diagnosis I would sweat like a pig being turned into bacon but now I don’t get these as frequently, these I tend to get in the middle of the night now and they wake me up. That’s how I usually know I had better go grab  a late night snack. Thank God I wake up!!!)

Shakiness

Dizziness

Tingling in my hands or tongue

Dazed

Can’t seem to focus (This one I have notices mostly at work. Sitting in front of a computer for the most part can sometimes make it hard to tell if I'm not moving around or doing much other than staring at a computer. If I've been really busy with computer work and notice that I can't seem to see straight or focus I know I had better check my blood sugar level.)

Lowest I've ever gotten was 32, highest was 402. As far as I know. (90's are where a non "D" would stay) There was a time before I was married and living in my apartment with my best friend. I had been out grocery shopping and as soon as I had pulled into the parking lot of our apartment I realized I was low. I felt like I barely made it inside. I vagley remember just eating anything in site. A bagel with peanut butter, a piece of fruit, way more that I usually would for a low, but I guess I was bad because I never sky rocketed after eating all of that. I had to be out of it though because when my roommate came home I had left my keys in the front door. 

Just because I correct one doesn't mean the other won't shortly follow. There are days when it's definitely a roller coaster and I can't seem to level out no matter what I do. 

Yuck!

You know those times when there is so much stress in your life but you keep fighting the tears to stay strong? Yet you know that something little and dumb is what's going to make you crack and that dumb thing will be the reason that you turn into a ball of blubbering snot and tears. That moment just happened for me. Dumb female and hormonal issues. Being T1 as you know by now if you have been reading this blog has its own set of emotional issues. Add in being a female, and three other hormone imbalance issues and I'm shocked I'm not in a looney bin. God have mercy on my poor husband, I don't know how he puts up with me. He is a saint for being with me.

I’m trying ever so hard to be positive, but it’s really hard sometimes. One of my biggest complaints about the pump is how hard, awkward and uncomfortable it is to wear with dresses. Growing up mom always put me in dresses for Sunday school and I hated them! Especially as I got a little older, maybe close to 4^th or 5^th grade. When I was in 2^nd grade we started going to a charismatic non denominational church and hardly any of the other girls in my Sunday school class wore dresses. I was the only one, and it sucked! Finally around the 4^th or 5^th grade she stopped making me wear the dreaded things.  I’m not sure when it happened, but some time in my early to mid twenties I started to like wearing them again. A lot! In the summer mainly because I hate shorts with a passion. Shorts are too short, not as airy, ride up the crack and all that good stuff. Sun dresses are just so nice, but I’m not sure how nice they will be this year, the first summer with my pump. I may have to learn to like shorts. That’s such a sad thing to me! All my pretty, fun dresses just hanging in my closet! What a tragedy!  But the few times I’ve worn a dress in the last couple of months with my electronic pancreas it’s been a royal pain and it’s not even hot and sticky outside yet. I either have to try and maneuver it in my bra somehow, clip it to the top of my tights, or wear this nylon/spandex thigh thing that I wear to bed that has kind of a garter strap that hooks from it to my underwear.  None of those options are necessarily comfortable especially for an extended amount of time. Imagine any of those options on a hot, sticky, humid summer day and that’s even more unappealing! Eeeerrrr……. I’ll be in a dress for a bridal shower tomorrow for most of the day. So far I have found that clipping my pump to my bra is the most comfortable place, but totally inconvenient when it’s time to bolus, as well as when I forget that I set the alarm to tell me to check my BG after a meal and all of the sudden it starts to vibrate inside my dress right between my boobs. Uck!  So, I just may be saying good bye to my dresses and hello to shorts. This is the total female in me coming out because, well…….. I don’t really have any summer tops that go well with shorts, I’m more of a jeans kinda girl if I’m not wearing a dress in the summer. What to do, oh what to do!!!

There's Always Tomorrow

I had a whole thing written, then just decided it sounded stupid, so  I'm not even going to try and sound contemplative or anything. To top off this not so pleasant day, I think my meter is being schizophrenic. Brad and I were in the car having a conversation, I was totally with it, but I did feel a bit funny so I checked my BG, 26!!!!!! Freak out time! I downed one of my emergency Capri Sun, then started to down another. My much smarter hubby in these freak out situations told me to check again. How could I really be so low and I not be acting weird? I checked and it said 98, checked on my old meter, 86. How can there be that much of a difference? Needless to say I didn't finish my second Capri Sun. Oiy vey! So I've been checking all night as I watch my BG climb, but my pump tells me not to bolus yet, I still have plenty of active insulin. I have no idea what was going on with my meter. I'm honestly not even sure if it's possible to drop as low as 26 and not go into a coma or pass out? Lowest I've seen myself is 32, and that's pretty dangerous but it does happen on a rare occasion. That's my life, but I'm going to keep plugging away. So take that stupid "D"!!!!