I Can, I Will, Accomplish This

It amazes me how much pregnancy hormones come into play with blood sugars! I read other bloggers that write about their T1D and pregnancy experiences and even the one book that I found on T1D and pregnancy and as encouraging as their posts and the book were, at the same time I’ve read time and time again so many say that insulin resistance didn’t really seem to kick in and effect them. Or that that their A1Cs stayed 5.4 the entire pregnancy or that they ate whatever they wanted just bolused for it and had no issues. Or that they would cry when they saw any number above 150. I read how one woman ate a big bowl of ice cream every night with no issues. Good for her! I’m glad she was able to do it, but that blows my mind, and is a bit disheartening for me. Why? Because I feel like I’ve struggled so hard to keep a fantastic A1C, that it has not been a walk in the park and I don’t have occasional highs, but daily and it’s always a rollercoaster of BGs. No smooth sailing for me. I’ve discovered that I can eat light or fat free frozen yogurt and it won’t send my BGs through the roof like ice cream will, for the most part, but sometimes, it does. I feel like I may have 1 maybe 2 good days a week if I’m lucky where I don’t go above 150, but other than that, I still see a whole lot of 180’s, 190’s and 200’s several times a week, and even multiple times a day. I don’t believe this is because my CDE and I aren’t making aggressive enough changes or that it’s my fault or what I’m eating. It’s just plain old dumb diabetes and pregnancy and I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise. This is just how my body works.  I’ve come to the point for the most part, not always, sometimes there are tears and fear of what is this doing to my baby girl, but I’m getting to the point of just waiting them out, praying and trouble shooting and sometimes, okay a lot of times doing some SERIOUS RAGE bolusing. Especially on the weekend if things go really wonky and I won’t be able to talk to my CDE until Monday about making corrections. With all of this being said, when I got all my blood work done this week for the scare that my doctor put me through, (you can read that here if you didn’t already) he also checked my A1C and I still had the best A1C I’ve ever had! 5.1%. Hallelujah!!!! Wowza! I actually did a double take and made him show me the paperwork cuz I really didn’t believe it. This really really hard work is paying off and as long as it continues once I see my little one face to face I will feel that she is the biggest accomplishment of my life! My CDE and I made even more changes to my pump yesterday, second time this week. There have been other weeks we’ve made changes 3 times. First was Monday and there were quite a few changes to be made in just the 3 days since talking to her. It blows my mind how quickly my insulin needs change on a daily basis even. I’m definitely going to be hitting 3x the amount of insulin I used before pregnancy, and I know at the rate things are going that I’ll exceed that.  Pre-pregnancy I was using 17 something units of insulin a day for my basal, amount going through me on a 24hr basis. Now??? I’m at 52.7units of basal, and then you have to add however much I’m taking at meals. By Monday my needs will have increased beyond the 52.7 units. I’m going through insulin reservoirs sometimes every other day depending on if it’s a couple of bad days or I’m eating more. Each reservoir holds 300 units of insulin and I’m getting to the point that on some days I’m going through 100+ units of insulin in a day! All the research and all the inquiring and all the reading really and truly cannot fully prepare one for going through pregnancy as a type 1 diabetic. I’m doing it, it’s doable, but it’s hard, but like I said, when I see my little beauty for the first time I’m going to feel like the most accomplished woman in the world!

When It's Not A Diabetes Scare

It’s still November, it’s still Diabetes awareness month and my plan for doing the daily instagram challenge failed miserably! Mainly because….I’ve been stressing the last week and worried. But I think all the prayers I asked for helped. This time, not diabetes related....

A week ago yesterday I had my 4 week appointment with my high risk OB and it wasn’t a good appointment. It started out normal, baby’s heart beat was good, I measured good, BGs good, talked to him about the water weight I believed I was developing that was causing my feet and calves to swell so that a few pair of shoes don’t fit already and a couple pair of boots I cannot zip up my calves. He wasn’t concerned with that…at first. When I first got there the nurse took my blood pressure and it was slightly elevated, more than what they would like. I told them about the stress of traffic on my way there and he said he would have my BP checked again to make sure it had come down and that it was only the traffic stress. (A sheet of drywall was on the highway I thought I was going to collide with then not even 10 minutes later a huge rock hit my windshield and cause me to actually scream out loud.)  We had started to talk about the NSTs that start in a few weeks and then my CDE came in and he asked for her to take my BP while we talked. She took it and interrupted with that my BP had not come down at all but stayed the same. It was still 149/something. That stopped the doctor in his tracks causing him to grab my file and ask if we had talked about exactly how much weight I’ve gained. I said no, but I wasn’t thrilled with the number I saw on the scale. When he looked and saw that I’ve gained 32lbs already he got serious. He examined me from head to toe, no I don’t look like I’m gaining a lot of fat, he could see it being water weight. I didn’t really look swollen, but with the higher BP and rapid weight gain he wanted to check these out. He told me to purchase a blood pressure cuff and start checking 3 times a day and write those numbers down. Then he had a jug sent home with me for me to do a 24 hour urine collection on Sunday that I had to take right to a lab first thing Monday morning to have tested along with getting blood work. This is pretty standard for all T1D pregos, I’d forgotten about that but wasn’t worried that he was having it done since it’s standard, but was worried that it would show an issue since he seemed to think I’m retaining so much water. He started talking about house arrest, how long I would actually continue to work and preeclampsia. I started to freak out. He had me schedule an appointment to come back and see him this morning so we could talk about the outcome of the tests and BP testing and talk about how much longer I would work. So for the past week I’ve taken my BP 3 times a day, Sunday did the urine collection and Monday bright and early took it to the lab for analyzing and got blood drawn. Today was the appointment to find out how things are looking and I swear, doctor’s like to freak their patience out to get reactions for entertainment purposes. It turns out that he never communicated to me that I should only worry about my BP if it reached 150 or over. Yes it said on the paper work in small print that if I reached 150 to call my doctor or go to the ER right away, so I thought that was worst case. Today he swore he told me that 150 or above was what he was looking for so my BP is perfectly fine, that the 130s and 140s that I seemed to hang out in was fine, he wasn’t worried about those. My urine and blood work came back perfect. No kidney issues and no signs of preeclampsia developing. When I asked about the weight gain he wasn’t worried about that either, although as you can imagine I’m not happy about it. I haven’t gained in the past week, good, and he said yes I’m probably swelling and retaining some water, but that’s normal and he even said I still look like all belly, I don’t look like I’m gaining too much. He wants to monitor that, but we went over my diet and what I typically eat and he doesn’t see that I’m over doing it. Which I am thankful for because even though I feel like my appetite has kicked into full gear and some days all I want to do is eat I do believe I do pretty well at restraining myself from eating everything possible. I was getting nervous that he was going to tell me to cut back or something. No, I’m not under eating either. He is also chalking it up to my DI which causes water retention and the T1 since I do have to take in unwanted calories (like in the middle of the night or after I’ve stuffed myself from a big meal and maybe over did it on the carb/insulin estimating) to correct low blood sugars. So no bed rest, or house arrest as he originally put it. He wants to start seeing me every two weeks already!!! How did this time fly by so quickly??? He did tell me that I can’t do anymore full days of running errands, house cleaning, laundry, dishes, cooking and then going out to dinner with friends. That was how my Saturday was and I knew I was pushing it but it all really needed to be done and at the end of the evening when I got home my feet, ankles, calves and knees where all swollen. When I told him all that he said no more of that. Since the swelling went away after resting he wasn’t worried but to no longer push myself so much, that could eventually cause a problem. So lots of rest, do chores for a bit then rest/nap. Run errands, come home and rest. Cook/bake, then rest. He said as long as I let myself rest I can do things, but not so much at a time anymore. Doctor’s orders, guess I gotta follow them.

Wanting to Give In To Burn Out

I just started to think about how long I’ve been diligently trying for crazy amazing blood sugars and an A1C of the same. I know that we all as T1s’ want this but when trying for a baby it’s something we strive for even more, at least I have. It’s much easier to give in to burn out when you aren’t growing human or trying for one. As of right now it’s been 20 months that I’ve been trying diligently to count every carb and accurately does insulin without swaging, exercise, check my BGs between 10-20 times a day sometimes more depending on the day. By the time little girl shows up and since I plan on nursing, and that is a whole nother reason to stay on top of tight BGs, that will leave me at somewhere around 36 months give or take, or 3 years if you will, of crazy anal control. That’s a loooong time! I was getting really burn out at the 14 month mark, right before we got pregnant. I was starting to slack a bit, but of course once I found out about little one growing inside I was back to being all anal again. Maybe once she is born I’ll let up a bit just because I know she’s not in there anymore relying on me to keep safe and growing healthy in the womb……BUT….. as with everything else BGs seriously affect nursing. I need to do more reading and even ask my CDE and doc more questions because I’ve heard conflicting information, but one thing I do know is that if I run on the higher scale of BGs it can cause milk production to be lacking. We don’t need none of that. Conflicting info I’ve heard? Well, I’ve read that if nursing while BGS are high that the milk itself can be harmful to the baby, then I’ve read that is not true that it doesn’t matter. Either way, I’d rather keeps things at a minimum so there are no issues with milk production, but never nursing with a high BG seems pretty impossible. Altho…… nursing causes lows, which may help against nursing with a high BG? Anyway, with all of this being said.. this is a long time to be so “good” if you will. I don’t know how long I’ll last once she is born. I’m getting tired and if she wasn’t part of the picture right now I know I’d be slacking big time. There is so much pressure and many reasons to keep tight control and I’m getting tired, really tired. I know that it will all be worth it in the end when she is here. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve not been perfect by any means whatsoever. I’ve guessed at times on the carb count on a much too sugary sweet treat and indulged and paid for it, but I’ve also been on the other end of the spectrum and eaten a less carb/sugar loaded item, counted correctly and dosed correctly and still ended up in tears of frustration wondering what went wrong when I was so sure everything I’d done was right. It’s tough, but I was encouraged the other day when I saw on Facebook another T1D just had her baby boy and he is beautiful and healthy! It was the encouragement I needed to remind myself that I can do it, that Nora will be fine, healthy and beautiful and here before we know it! Now to just get the energy to get the house and her room in order, that’s a whole other story……

Diabetes Awareness Month/Speaking Too Soon

November is diabetes awareness month so I’m trying to follow along with Project Blue November and post pics every day this month of life with diabetes. Here is the link if you’d like to do so as well. http://www.projectbluenovember.com/#!instagram/c1d85 We’ll see how well I do with this. Here are my pics for November 1^st, 2^nd, and 3^rd.

November 1st: Kiss Diabetes Goodbye!

Someday I won't need my CGM!
#kissdiabetesgoodbye 
 #diabetesawarenessmonth
 #projectbluenovember

For some reason I can't get this to flip..

November 2nd: I Am More Than Diabetes
I am much more than diabetes. I’m a wife and a soon to be momma!
#iammorethandiabetes
#diabetesawarenessmonth
#projectbluenovember

Today November 3rd:
Support: My hubby is my biggest and best supporter
#support
#projectbluenovemer

Now onto other things. I spoke too soon, or wrote too soon the other day when I posted about how great things have been. Now I’m trying to figure out if my body is trying to come down with something again or what. Talking to Deb my CDE today, she thinks it's just T1D and pregnancy. Last few nights after dinner I’ve been running pretty high and can’t seem to get down until about 2-4am. Even a couple of afternoons I’ve been high after lunch but that’s been a little hit or miss. Mornings have been pretty good, but running a bit low mid morning. Seeing numbers in the 200’s a little too often right now, which is hard enough to see numbers like this when not pregnant. There is enough guilt without trying to grow a healthy human. When there is a little one inside of you it’s about 100 times worse. It’s really hard to concentrate on anything other than trouble shooting, trying to figure out what to do to get that number down, how much insulin is on board and can I give more without overcorrecting, should I set a temp basel rate for the next few hours, is this just pregnancy, is it a sickness coming on, what is it?!!! How is the baby doing with this???!!!! It doesn’t stop!!!! I’ve had my share of crying about it. I’ve done pretty well just trying to stay focused and keep calm and not get stressed about it and cry, but last night wasn’t one of those nights that I just couldn't keep it together. When this happens it’s one of the most lonely feelings in the world because no one I know can possibly understand our relate. And guilty. My mind also goes to, “Should we have done this?” “Was it selfish of me to want a baby?”, “Is she going to survive my stupid BG issues?”, “I know that the doc is happy with my A1C but is he even looking at the roller coaster that happens on a sometimes daily basis?”…… That list goes on and on and on. It's frustrating for me because I read all these other blogs and books about T1D and pregnancy and yeah, it's encouraging to read about how tight control others have and what great A1Cs they are able to accomplish while pregnant and I start to feel like they don't ever have the kinds of highs I go through. Then that just another load of guilt added on like I must not be doing something right or I'm not diligent enough. Last night despite Brad trying to encourage me I broke down. I couldn’t help it. I’d had my baby shower in the afternoon, it was great, but of course carb counting was just total and complete swagging (scientific wild a** guessing), along with the fact that I indulged in the chocolate torte that is to die for by the way that a friend made. She is known for them and it’s so hard to pass up. I caved. I surprisingly didn’t seem to go as high from that as I did later in the evening after eating my veggie and beef soup for dinner. Really???!!! That’s what sent me over the top?! Or was it the chocolate torte from earlier in the day finally kicking in? It’s impossible to tell, but none the less I cried after I spiked around 6:00 and was reaching in the low 200’s around 10:00. All the awful thoughts were assaulting me along with the guilt and fear. Something is going on and it’s gotta be the pregnancy since this has been happening the last 3 nights. Deb and I just made changed again today, I’m praying those take care of things and my BGs look a little better over the next day or so.