Experiences

I haven't had a really BAD low in a while. As I've said in prior posts, I'm burnt out. That tends to lead to more highs than lows for me. I've been hitting high numbers that I'd rather not admit to. Today, I had a BAD low that I couldn't hide. Usually, I'm at home with hubs, or work when one like that hits and I either hide it, or just get through it with hubs watching over me. Somehow I haven't had one hit like this around friends or other family. Today, it happened. I was at a baby shower. I had just checked my bg, I was 80 but felt I could be dropping so I went ahead and ate a cake ball. I sat down next to my mother in law to eat it and watch gifts being opened. I started to get really hot and weird, but just wanted to wait it out. 20 minutes went by, she finished opening gifts and I was feeling worse. I went back to my purse to grab my meter and check. A good friend of mine was right there and asked how I was and before I could say anything saw I was at 42 and she knew I needed straight up sugar. I followed her to the kitchen for another cake ball feeling like I had to be dripping with sweat and like my head could just roll off my shoulders. As we walked to the kitchen my family was calling fur me to get my picture taken with the mommy to be and I had to just shake my head and throw my hand up for them to wait. I felt bad knowing they were all waiting on me and that others were waiting to talk to mommy to be, but I had to do what I had to do. I grabbed the cake ball, walked out for the picture and I think I heard my aunt in law say, "oh she is crashing" as I shoved half in my mouth. I posed for the picture and then shoved the other half in as they looked at the first one before taking another pic. Last few days with the highs and now this low have me anxious for the Dexcom  cgm. As much as I'm valuing my freedom from another attachment, I'm looking forward to something to tighten my control.

If Diabetes Had A Throat

If diabetes had a throat I really would punch it!

 I don’t know how many posts I’ve attempted lately. I probably won’t post this one either. I’ll draft them, think I’ll go over them and post them later, and I don’t. I go back, hate what I write and delete. Why do I hate what I write? Why am I not posting?

 My mind is a jumbled mess lately, none of it is necessarily good, happy or positive. I feel bad, even hubby asked the other day, stating I seemed to have a lot on my mind. I know, that sometimes writing helps, but not lately. Not for me. I think it’s partly because I see a lot of complaining on social media and I want to scream. I want to scream about the stupid things that people wine about, things like this that I would have a response like this to: “Really? A hang nail?! I’m so sorry that something so dumb snowballed and created such an awful day for you. Really?” Don’t people know that there are truly miserable, awful things in life that other people deal with and that life is wonderful and beautiful if you just look for it, yet………………

 But then I want to vent here, I feel like I have a valid reason, but then I don’t post because quite frankly, I really don’t think that anyone wants to read about it and I hate feeling like I’m jumping in on the complaining band wagon. No one really wants to know what daily life is like as a diabetic. (Not that I really want anyone to truly know, but at the same time misery love company as the saying goes right?) No one really wants to know how much work it is, how much it hurts mentally, physically, emotionally and financially. No one really wants to know what an A** hole diabetes was yesterday. No one really wants to hear about how no matter what I did my BG hung out in the mid to high 200s all day long. That I pretty much avoided the snacks at work for snack day and I stuck to my lunch I brought that I knew had exactly 32 carbs and I bolused for them and yet I still stayed in the 200s in the afternoon. No one wants to know that finally by the time I got home from work I was 129 right before eating the dinner that I really didn’t want because I felt like crap from blood sugar high hangover, but I tried to think positively because hey, I was finally at a better level. But then a couple of hours later I was back up around 270. I knew because of the random and very short times throughout the day that I was down in the lower 100’s that my insulin was fine, as was my sight, tubing and pump. Why did this happen yesterday? Because diabetes is a total B**ch. If diabetes had a throat, yesterday I would have punched it in the throat.

 I feel like I’m in my own little world, and it’s really lonely. I hate feeling like "D" is all-consuming but it really is.

  I know that I’m in diabetes burn out. I love how it was put in this posting from Alanna at Life On T1, “Yes, we can do anything with this disease, but we can ONLY do anything if we are ALWAYS thinking about we feel.” No wonder I’m on burn out. I gotta deal with this forever?!  Between diabetes and everything else that is all wonkey with my body it’s amazing that I’m still even semi sane.

 I’m thankful for my pump and the fact that we can afford it. I’m thankful that, at least I think I am, that we made the decision for me to get a Dexcom CGM, I'll have it early next week. God love my husband, but he said something the other day about how I want the Dexcom and my response was, “No I don’t. I don’t want any of these high tech diabetes things because I don’t want diabetes”. Am I thankful to have them, yes. Do I want them, not really. They are a necessity so maybe I’m a bit excited for the Dexcom just because it will help against days like yesterday to an extent. Want any of these gadgets, no,  not exactly looking forward to having another attachment on my body or another item to carry around in my purse or something that is going to keep me awake like a newborn at night. (Diabetes will turn into a newborn baby)

 I’m totally happy with my hubby, and life other than stupid “D” and my other physical issues that I’m dealing with right now, besides those everything else is great. I’m really not as depressed as I probably sound here. I just gotta vent cuz I’m pissed at the dead pancreas and non working beta cells that are snoozing in my body. Seriously, what are they doing in there other than an infinite vacation.

World Diabetes Day

Today is world diabetes awareness day. I started the day off with a doctor's appointment bright and early at 7:30. It was not diabetes related appointment, but as with everything "D" does come in to play. It was just a routine, altho nothing is routine with me, check up. I love this doctor, talking to her is like talking to a friend. She is the doctor that after 12 years and ten other doctors later finally diagnosed me with PCOS.She is the first one to look at me and listen to me like I'm a human when I told her all of my crazy weird symptoms that are the exact opposite of PCOS. She ran the blood tests did an ultrasound and that's when we made the discovery, almost 5 years ago. So today we talked about crazy female hormones and how they play such a huge part of managing diabetes and throwing curve balls in there. She did some blood work today to check some things and I'm sure that all of this will eventually come into play with my insulin sensitivity, therefore more adjustments on my pump.

In other news..... With today being world diabetes day I thought that it was kinda ironic that yesterday when I was at Target and I walked down the ailse to get coffee filters the first thing I saw was blue cake mix! I immediately thought of blue Fridays, today and diabetes awareness. I didn't buy the mix just took a pic. Enjoy today!!!

Work

I was doing so great about keeping up with the photo a day for Diabetes Awareness month, and then the weekend happened. As usual, busy. I'm not going to try and catch up, I'm just going with todays photo. Work. Top portion of the photo is of my "D" bag that I literally cannot live without and goes with me every where. A coworker actually gave it to me. It was her cosmetic bag and she had it out on her desk one day and I saw it commented that with the two pockets it would be perfect for a "D" bag and asked where she got it. She had gotten it at Marshals but she gave it to me right away when I said what it would be great for. It had been the only one left when she gut it. I keep in it at all times two different bottles of test strips along with two different meters, a Sharps container for used test strips and needles, lancets, an extra reservoir of insulin, extra infusion set, batteries for my pump, glucose tabs, and a back up Novalog flex insulin pen This sits on my desk at work right next to the phone.

That bottom portion of the photo shows my snack drawer at work. Trail mix, emergency fruit snacks, after lunch dark chocolate (that I count as part of my lunch carbs almost every day).

Not Playing Nice

Late yesterday into last night was BAD. It's been busy at work and honestly diabetes was the last thing on my mind yesterday afternoon. I didn't realize until 4:30ish that I had been peeing about every 30 minutes or so and guzzling water. Even when I'm not high I drink a lot and pee a lot. That was more than usual. I realized it as I was trying to get my last order in for the day and my head started to feel heavy and I couldn't concentrate on my computer screen, and I had to pee again. I ran to the restroom, filled my water bottle and then checked my bg. 220, that explained it. So I gave myself just a tad less insulin than what my pump said because I planned to be home and getting a good work out in, in less than an hour. I didn't want to have too much insulin in my system and crash. But that's exactly what happened. I got home, I had dropped to 198 with about 2 units of insulin on bored, and I set my pump at a temp basal of 60%. BAD IDEA!!! I should have not worked out, or disconnected, or gone much lower on the temp basal, or suspended my pump, or..... Who knows what I should have really done. In 30 minutes of biking I dropped from 198 to 45. Ok, as if that wasn't bad enough I skyrocketed after dinner to 210. Needless to to say I felt like crap and diabetes was being a totally butt head. I guess it was about time tho. Vacation, no real issues, being out of town last weekend, no real issues there. So having a craptastic night I should have cut myself some slack, but at the end of the night I didn't. Brushing my teeth at about 10:30 and Brad comes in. Right when I was putting mouthwash in my mouth he said something along the lines about how I hadn't had a day like that in a while and what happened? I leaned against the wall swishing mouthwash around inside my mouth and the tears started to well up. He didn't mean that it was my fault, but as it goes, I was playing the blame game. Shoulda, coulda, woulda going around in my head and feeling guilty but thankful at the same time that I'm not pregnant. Then wondering if me getting pregnant is such a good idea. Can I hack it? A day like yesterday and who knows what that would do to an unborn child!!! I know I was going overboard, but that's how it goes. As the tears were streaming down my cheeks and I have my mouth full still, Brad just grabs me and hugs me, rubbing my back and telling me it's okay. Ever Mr positive, he says things like, you are healthy despite the diabetes, you take good care of yourself, you are alive, not in a comma or having seizures. You have never had to be admitted to the hospital, it's been a while since you've had a really bad day. Cut yourself some slack. You are okay. He was right. Diabetes was being a total butt head, not playing nice, it never does, but I have to cut myself some slack. If we knew what happened or why then we would have a better understanding of the disease but we don't. If we did there might be a cure. So while there isn't one and we wait, we fight back and play nice even when it doesn't and cut ourselves some slack otherwise we'd go insane!

National DAM Day 7: photo opt BLUE

Todays photo prompt is Blue. Blue is the color of diabetes awareness. Fridays are known as Blue Friday, where diabetics far and wide wear the color blue as a sign of awareness and support. I really don't own anything blue, guess I really should change that, therefore I don't participate in Blue Fridays. However, when looking for an image on google that would be good for todays prompt I came across this one. Why blue m&ms you might ask? There are a few things to be learned from just this pic, and the fact that they are blue is just a plus. For one, yes I can eat them if I so choose, I would just have to figure the carb count and bolus correctly. Next, m&ms, as well as any chocolate, are not a good choice for treating a low because they are full of fat which in turn slows the rise of blood sugar. Therefore won't do the job quickly enough. So there you have it for today folks.

Another Post: This Really Is What It's Like

If you are reading this, I might be shocked. After all I've been keeping up with posting a pic everyday for the photo a day for National Diabetes Awareness Month, and that's a post a day. If you are actually looking at this and you don't have diabetes the following video is very accurate. I've seen some of her other videos and I always get a kick out of them. It's got some humor mixed in, well at least those of us that can relate find it humorus at least in a weird twisted way. Video portion itself is only 2 1/2 minutes long. Those of you that can relate and not seen it I hope you enjoy. Those of you that are not diabetic I hope this enlightens you.

Diabetes Awareness Day 6: Relationship

There are a lot of important relationships when it comes to diabetes. All of them incredibly important to the mental and emotonal as well as physical health of a diabetic. Endocrinologist, CDE, nurses, the DOC (diabetes online community), parents, siblings, significant others and the list goes on. I picked this picture of Brad and I on our wedding day taking communion. I think that this picture is pretty significant because it includes both of the most important relationships in my life. For one my relationship and faith with God is huge in my life and keeps me grounded, that signified by the communion.  My hubby, keeps me sane and can deal with all my crazy emotions, the financial stresses, when I feel sick and cranky from highs and lows, all my diabetes talk (there is a LOT sometimes), learning and being very attentive to signs of my highs and lows, and being patient all along with adding a sense of humor in a way only he can. Dealing with things that come with being married to a T1D (and female to boot). I know I have gone on before about how great he is and handles it and me amazingly but it's true. Having at least one strong person in the corner of your fighting cage is essential, because everyday, even the "easy" ones are a fight and it's impossible to fight these battles alone.

Diabetes Awareness: Day 4 Advocate

This was a tough one for me. I wouldn't necessarily consider myself an advocate for diabetes awareness so no pics for that. I decided to google celebrities with type 1. That jogged my memory of an article I read a while ago about Elizabeth Perkins. I couldn't find the one that I originally read so this one http://www.foxnews.com/health/2012/11/21/actress-elizabeth-perkins-discusses-life-with-diabetes/ is pretty good.

Diabetes Awareness Month Day 4

Todays picture prompt is "Proud". I picked this picture because this is the first time I wore my pump proudly for all the world to see and I didn't care. I'm not sure why I was so self conciouse in the beginning but I was.

National DAM: Day 3 snacks

National Diabetes Awareness month: day 3 photo op is snacks.

We just just got back in town from visiting my inlaws for the weekend. We had taken a cooler with a few things in it with us and there were a few things to be unpacked when we got back. As I was putting things away in the fridge I saw the brand new jar of sweet pickles that hubby bought the other day. I love sweet pickles but haven't had them in possibly years. I just don't really think about them. I took the jar out thinking that they couldn't possibly have that many carbs in them and maybe they would be my new go to snack with 0 to very few carbs. Wrong! 8 carbs per pickle! That's one unit of insulin for me. I guess I should know that sweet is not deceiving in the name, they really are sweet. Too sweet for me and my already sweet self.

Diabetes Awareness Month: Days 1 & 2 combined

November is diabetes awareness month. Two days into it and I had my first opportunity to help educate and bring more awareness to someone. My awesome mother in law. I sat down with her last night and pretty much gave her a tutorial on my how my pump works. She had lots of questions, was genuinely interested in how it works and how my meter that link together work. It was the first time since having my pump someone had really wanted to know and it was really nice to sit down with her and explain things. It gave me the warm fuzzies. Afterwards she said how smart I have to be, yup, pretty much. It's a lot to take in.

Now with it being diabetes awareness month I'm going to try my best and along with lots of others post a pic a day in the life of diabetes. List of below. November 1st was "Past". So the first pic you see below is with my friends only a month or so after diagnosis. I still look really skinny and pale. I don't think I had even been able to see a diatian yet. I couldn't have gained much weight yet either. When I was diagnosed I was only 105 lbs.

November 2nd picture is "Check". This picture is a note to myself at work to remember to check my BG and possibly bolus insulin or eat something. That was a rough day that I never got around to blogging about as I had planned.

Todays pic is "Snack" but I got nothing yet.